spud@spudsec:~$ whoami

SPUDSEC

Your Future Husband

Nerdy|Dorky|Good Boy|Tinge of the 'tism

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Location: Alexandria, Virginia (Greater DC)

Signal: SpudSec.82

If you're here because of that silly business card being handed out all over DEF CON — hi, it's me, Spud, your future hacker husband.

What started as a silly annual Twitter post is turning into... well, this.

spud@spudsec:~$ cat background.text

Background

My best friend Z (Zatoichi), a fellow member of DC540, married their first partner at DEF CON many years ago. It was such a cute, nerdy idea that it became my endgame too.

spud@spudsec:~$ cat about.text

About Me

Hi, I'm Spud. You may know me online as SpudSec, SpudSecurity, or — on The Apps™ — HackerCub. I'm a goofy, dorky, security potato with a tinge of the 'tism, based in the Greater Washington, DC Metropolitan Area.

By day, I work as a security engineer for BigTelecom™© Co., Ltd. By night, I'm a proud simp for Northern VA's own DC540 (Virginia's #2 Cult) and DC443 (Maryland's #3 Cult). I'm also affiliated with DC225 in my home state of Louisiana, and DC202 in our nation's capital.

What I enjoy:

Hiking, camping, cycling, picking heavy things up and putting them down
All furry critters, but bonus points for cats and dogs
Embedded systems, video and board games, sci-fi books
Ska, drum and bass, punk rock, whatever's on Eurovision, industrial, and more
Cooking, traveling, roadtrips
Cuddles, belly rubs, and vegging out on the couch
Being the golden retriever boyfriend

Fun stats:

Age: 32
Gender: Cis male
Pronouns: He/him, they/them
Height: 6'2" (~190cm)

spud@spudsec:~$ cat reviews.log

Here's What the Critics Say About SpudSec

“like a perfect little cinnamon roll who came to life and likes to talk about trains. rare drop, 5 stars” - @TracketPacer

“Spud would make a fantastic hacker husband. If I was in the market, he’d be in the running.” - Trevor "@MrJhnsn" Johnson

"Spud is the biggest dreamboat at hacker cons. If his hugs are any indication of who he is as a partner, the only acceptable phrase is "life changing". I mean, look at those eyes! Give this sweet sexy man a shot, and see if he can penetrate your heart." - Katelyn "@medus4_cdc" Bowden

"The best spuddy buddy a she, gay, or they could ask for" - electrifying

"If the world was full of Spud hugs there would be no war” — @Cthulhu_answers

spud@spudsec:~$ cat requirements.txt

What I'm Looking For (and What You Get in Return)

Minimum requirements:

An older individual, 35 years or older
Male/enby masc: beefy, bearish, and dominant. Beard preferred, body hair optional.
or Female/enby fem: tall, curvy, muscular, but also dominant
Gentle, patient, and caring
Must like cats (I have one — though I also love dogs and other critters)

Note: Trans men and trans women are men and women, so don't hesitate to apply either.

Bonus points: into cigars, leather, and other kink.

My ideal partner is someone patient, gentle, and guiding, but also "dominant" — not just in a kink context. Dominance isn't only about control, it's about leading a relationship. In return, you get a loyal, loving, and obedient partner who will be by your side always, and who will do anything to show their appreciation for you — the same way they show appreciation for everyone they cherish in their life, platonic or not.

What I get is a partner who leads and guides me, but is also happy to have me by their side. Let me be your smart, goofy, golden retriever partner.

spud@spudsec:~$ cat rules_of_engagement.md

If You're Actually Interested — Rules of Engagement

This isn't Grindr, Snapchat, or [insert app here]. While this is an unserious proposal, I do expect that anyone reaching out wants this to turn into something serious, including a relationship.

Note: getting married isn't actually a requirement, but it would be nice in the long term.

When you reach out, please include:

A minimum of one face picture of yourself
A short or long bio — about yourself, how you found this, and anything else relevant
Why you feel you'd be a good partner for me
Any fun facts about yourself
How you'd like to continue the conversation (Twitter/Bluesky DMs, or the email on the business card)

spud@spudsec:~$ cat notes.txt

Other Important Notes

I'm a leftist and not interested in right-leaning individuals. Trans rights are human rights, injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere, and it is a genocide.

Yes, this is real. I'm not joking.